Something I’ve been contemplating since becoming a “content creator” and spending more time on social media. Noticing the abundance of “experts” that we have access to nowadays to provide us with “advice”.

I obviously notice that there is some hypocrisy here, given I started writing a blog in my early 20’s when I knew next to nothing as one of the “experts” giving “advice”. Still, with some more life experience under my belt, I recognize how my urgent need to share what I have learned about my self or illegitimate philosophical ideas has become less urgent. And in the process of stepping back and keeping things in my journal to meditate on for a little longer on, rather than immediately sharing on social media, I wondered just how many people are sharing incomplete “downloads”?

I heard a phrase for this recently: “instagration”. Primarily in regards to people sharing insights they had received as a result of a psychedelic experience immediately afterwards on their social media. Rather, than sitting with it in private for a little longer, understand it a little deeper and noticing how to integrate it into their life.

I often think about a psychedelic experience as a microcosm of everything going on in my life and in fact Life. Therefore, what I learn from a psychedelic trip can be applied to Life but at a muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch slower pace. At first, I felt like I was Neo and knew Kung Fu. But in my experience, the further I went down that rabbit hole, the more I realised the less I knew and the more I had to learn.

This felt incredibly overwhelming as it showed me just how little I knew about myself and know about Life. In turn, this required me to shut the fuck up and listen. Listen to elders, little to peers, listen to the birds, the earth, the wind, the water, the fire. Listen to Life. And if you’re listening, properly, you can’t speak.

I see all the people that are speaking on platforms that are easy speak on, such as an Instagram reel or a Tik Tok video. Open app, hit record, share. Without adequate preparation and contemplation about what they are actually trying to say and whether they actually understand what they’re talking about or if they’re sharing it as a means to figure it out.

I understand that we’re all doing this in some way when we’re expressing ourselves, it’s the top of the learning pyramid (This post, nay this publication being a case in point). But I just wander what the implications are on society when there are so many underdeveloped ideas being put out there for our younger generations to potentially see as gospel, having not developed the skill of discernment in themselves. Let alone the individual, that is missing the opportunity to understand an insight more deeply and giving away that kernel of wisdom before it’s had the opportunity to bear fruit in their own lives.

Maybe you’re a content creator, like me who has fallen into this trap. Or maybe you’re a consumer that hasn’t given too much thought to the veracity of the content you’re consuming. Either way, perhaps this short article will give you pause for thought and invite you to listen to the wisdom within, for a little longer.

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If you enjoyed this article and would like to read and hear more thought provoking conversations, consider checking out my podcast Taming Thumos: Real Men, Real Conversations here

Thanks for reading, please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section.

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Reflecting more deeply on my urge to "fix" in therapy. How I often feel exhausted and sometimes disappointed when I was unable to "solve" someone's problem in that hour.

This is compounded sometimes by the client's desire to be fixed, like our modern western society expects us to be. "Take this", "do that" seems to be the standard attitude towards approaching suffering. Get rid of it, now! Only to be there waiting for us in a couple of weeks time when we're triggered again.

Conversely, when I switch to a mindset of curiosity I feel lighter at the end of the session and the client feels they have been heard and reached a deeper level of understanding about themselves. And don't necessarily feel the need to "take this" or "do that" because they have come to terms with WHY they feel the way they do.

So, naturally I went for a walk up the mountain and contemplated on this. And thought of this simple analogy: “What if I stopped looking at my mind like a maths problem to be solved, and instead like a poem to be understood?”

And as I did, I reflected on how I have used that same strategy on myself for the longest time. And in some ways still do. Until I remind myself to get curious and often hear “of course, of course you feel like this”.

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If you enjoyed this article and would like to read and hear more thought provoking conversations, consider checking out my podcast Taming Thumos: Real Men, Real Conversations here

Thanks for reading, please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section.

Much love

The main revelation that came to me on the morning of day 3 was this:

“Going out in nature by myself is the only consistently reliable way I know to fill up my cup…to a point”.

The “to a point” part was the revelation.

For as long as I can remember, I have felt well liked but ultimately an outsider. Never quite fully a part of the relationship to person or group. I now know that I was afraid of being shackled to whatever I had committed to, and at some point, would fail to meet their expectations and would be cast out, or worse, not able to leave. Now, I can clearly see the downfall of that strategy. It obviously worked at some point in time to still be playing in the back of my mind but as Terry Real says, “Adaptive then, maladaptive now”.

Throughout the hike, I felt so grateful to be surrounded by such beauty and seemingly have it all to myself. To the point that, when I came across other people on the trail my initial reaction was “oh no, not people”. Maybe it’s because I work with people so intensely now that I am craving time alone, where I don’t have to tend to other people’s needs and can just focus on tending to my own.

Still, this reaction gave me pause for thought. “Is this really fulfilling Tom? Is there nothing that could make this experience better?” The answer was “actually, yes”. The yes being, “sharing it with someone I love who appreciates it as much as I do and who I can rely on as a teammate. To support me, as much as I am willing to support them”.

I have thought for a long time that this is a hang up from my old military days, where I fantasized about dying for my brothers on the battlefield, believing they would have done the same for me. But the deeper I look, the further back this story goes. This is more than just about trust. This is about worthiness. Worthiness to receive love.

During a men’s group meeting last week, I was confronted with this realization in HD quality when a man that I felt a connection with approached me and told me that he loved me. My initial response was to bury my head in my hands and say “no”. The echo of that “no” took me back to a childlike state. I couldn’t, or at least wasn’t willing to respond in kind. Once again in fear of saying something I couldn’t pull though on or withdraw from. Right then, I realized that every relationship to a person, group or employer I had failed to commit to was due to a feeling of unworthiness. And my way of protecting myself from the inevitable failure to meet expectations was to push them away, stay on the fringe. And in doing so, miss out on the fruits of that commitment. The love, the trust and the sense of belonging that comes from being a part of a committed relationship.

I know where this story of inadequacy comes from in me, it’s an old schema that is buried deep in my psyche. And according to Richard Rudd’s Gene Keys, is my life’s work to transcend. Going for a walk in nature by myself is great, but to invite someone along for the ride is to risk disappointment OR having a profoundly fulfilling experience with another human being.

Only a person who risks is free – Leo F. Buscaglia

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If you enjoyed this article and would like to read and hear more thought provoking conversations, consider checking out my podcast Taming Thumos: Real Men, Real Conversations here

Thanks for reading, please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section.

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Since arriving here in Sydney, I have endeavored to be as open as possible; trying new foods, meeting new people, taking on adventure and experience opportunities left, right and center. During which I time I have met a number of people and in the mindset I’ve found myself in over the past few weeks, I have really noticed many people’s inability to listen. I’ll be having a conversation with someone and I can see that they are looking straight through me as I talk and will frequently ask me about something I had just previously explained. Which in turn makes you want to NOT be THAT person and give someone your undivided attention. Phew, excuse the rant, had to get that off my chest! My main point actually stemmed from this social observation, this blog isn’t a social bitching forum after all. What this blog post is really about, is how I’ve found listening to be somewhat of a secondary sense in my everyday life, aside from social environments, and how being more mindful of it has helped me slow down and not become carried away with pace of city lifestyle (turns out it’s not just London after all).

After 4 weeks of living in temporary accommodation, I finally found myself somewhere to hang my hat. It’s amazing, I am 10 minutes walk from the beach, live with two very cool chicks and have an ocean view from my bedroom window. What better opportunity to re-instill meditation into my daily routine? I started meditating a few years ago but found it hard to maintain when already having to wake up at 5am. I picked it back up earlier this year when I was not coaching as much and could sleep in a little. However, I since fell out of routine whilst undertaking more coaching hours and trying to find a place to settle here in Sydney. An article I read on the pure pharma blog (http://www.purepharma.com/us_en/blog/meditation-for-beginners/) helped me get started again. Although I’m currently undertaking a pretty intense schedule of coaching and studying, the thought of allowing just 5 minutes of meditation first thing in the morning seemed very doable and I started immediately. First of all, I found it difficult to quieten my mind even though I had literally just woken up but it didn’t take long until becoming aware of my breathing and the sound of the ocean helped me to be present in those few minutes each morning. Within a week, I found myself being more aware of my current feelings and surroundings in everyday life and this might sound a bit woo woo but I felt myself moving around with more purpose and calm, less chaotic. Using the sound of my breath, my surroundings or just some music to bring me back to reality and out of my thoughts about the past or the future or in potentially stressful situations. It’s as if I have learned to slow down time in my minds eye when I start to feel a little anxious just by listening.

I’ve realised that this is a skill that I have been without for some time, for as long as I can remember in fact and therefore wanted to share with you as I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who finds themselves lost in their own thoughts.

Thanks for reading, please share your thoughts and comments.

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When I would go on holiday to rural villages in Italy and France or explore less developed countries such as Ecuador, Afghanistan and Bali (which I’m just about to fly from), I’ve always found it fascinating how nobody is in a rush and their community seems to operate just fine, maybe not thriving but they are happy. Why can’t we do that? Why is it that when we get back from vacation, we manage to stay relaxed for about a day, then almost over night turn back into rats in the rat race!?

When I moved over to Sydney a couple of months ago for my study abroad semester, I gave myself heaps of time to get to school or get to the gym as I did not want to be late and didn’t trust the public transport to get me there on time. And you know what, nobody died! (as my good friend Geoff would say) Quite the opposite, by giving myself less things to do, I had more time to do what I needed to do and do a better job at it. Along with my daily meditation practice (and maybe waking up to the sound of the ocean), I can feel that I am far less stressed than I was in London.

We had a saying in the military, “if you’re not 5 minutes early, you’re late” and looking back now, we didn’t do all that much when we didn’t need to. I think I spent more time drinking hot wets and watching Jeremy kyle or tanning up, than any real soldiering. It’s said that war is 80% boredom, 20% adrenaline induced excitement. We had plenty of time to get to where we needed to be and low and behold, I cannot remember my time in the Royal Marines to be a particularly stressful experience (outside of commando training obviously!).

Now, I realise that I’m sitting on my high horse a little bit here as a student and coaching CrossFit part time, I don’t have an awful lot of responsibility but I’m also a mature student that has some experience of the real world. And like any one in the real world, I too have the tendency to think of things that I can do and right them down on my little to-do list! I’ve talked before about oversubscribing yourself, which is likely linked to this time anxiety that I’m sure many of us experience.

I also find this to be an issue in the gym sometimes. As you might have read in my post about following crossfit.com programming, I have been trying to fill out an hour’s worth of training time so that I can confidently say that traditional CrossFit programming can work in your average CrossFit box. Sometimes I think that I can pop in for 30 minutes and get the workout nipped in the bud, so that I can spend more time studying or have more time to get to my next appointment after my workout. However, more often than not when I plan my session before I get to the gym; I’ve already given myself too much to do in the way of skill development, foam rolling, stretching etc, and inevitably cut half of it out in order to fit the workout in. I often run over the hour but that’s OK, because now I’ve learnt to give myself more time. Now and again I feel like I’m cheating the system, it almost feels like I’m a millionaire!

Food for thought.

As always, please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. Thanks for reading!

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This month, I’d like to share with you some struggles that I’ve found with regards to training, which you may be able to relate to. About three months ago, I discovered that I had sustained substantial injuries to both shoulders (which I openly put down to not doing my pre and post WOD homework). Therefore, you guessed it, I was put on an overhead lifting ban (apart from acute, single arm remedial exercises which I had to perform with a light kettlebell). I found this extremely frustrating as I was really enjoying the broad, varied and simplistic (not to mention underestimatingly potent) programming of Crossfit.com.

I sulked for a couple of days then decided that I needed to just work around it, so I would scale the .com workouts according. However, I couldn’t help but feel that I was missing the intended stimulus of the workout, especially if it was a heavy day. Foolishly, I let my ego step into the gym on a couple of times and decided to give some heavier stuff a go and inevitably made the injuries worse. Now I was really pissed, I couldn’t pick anything off the floor with both hands, nor load downward onto my rib cage, I couldn’t even perform a push up. But, I knew I needed focus on what I could do rather than what I couldn’t in order to stay sane.

So I went for a nice long run along on the coastal path, enjoyed a last swim in the open water pools of Sydney and rowed, used the assault biking and air squatted my ass off when in the gym environment, as well as practising some yoga here and there.

This was a couple of weeks before leaving Sydney and hitting the road for some vagabonding around New Zealand. And you know what? I was loving it! I forgot that this sort of stuff was in my wheel house. I’m a bit of a ‘racing snake ‘ by nature, something that I’d forgotten about whilst trying to make do with scaled versions of .com workouts. In truth, I was no longer having fun in the gym because of all the adaptions I had to make. Whilst instructing on a CF L1 seminar in Auckland, I noticed their list of rules on the wall of the gym; one of them being ‘ALWAYS HAVE FUN’, I couldn’t help but have a little laugh to myself. The next few weeks of outdoor activities was going to be breath of fresh air.

I’ve mentioned before that what I most enjoy about CrossFit, is its ability to prepare you for pretty much anything. Yesterday I completed the Tongariro Alpine crossing with a group of people who I’m currently travelling around New Zealand with. The crossing was 21km but there was an option to climb Mount Ngauruhoe (Mount doom from Lord of the Rings) and Mount Tongariro as well, however, there was a pretty tight time frame to get back to the car pack, 8hrs. Naturally, I was intrigued by the challenge and set off with a young Australian girl from the bus and really enjoyed the day on the hill, having arrived at the car park with 5 minutes to spare. I kept my ego at bay (for the most part) and just enjoyed the natural challenge offered by the mountain. I was further reminded why I train the way I do; to use all that fitness in the real world. Outdoor sports have the ability to challenge you in a completely different way to anything you will do in the gym environment. The spacious format of Crossfit boxes is awesome and the GPP (general physical preparedness) training style of CrossFit is no doubt one of the best, if not THE best training programme to prepare you for real world activities. But…! Remember, Greg Glassman’s “World class fitness in 100 words”, finishes with ‘regularly learn and play new sports’. So don’t be afraid to step outside the classroom once in a while and put your fitness to the test or more importantly have fun with it! Get outside; climb or hike up a hill, cycle or run down; swim out and surf in. Be humbled by the power of nature, use your fitness!

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Having coming back from such a ridiculously positive place like Australia in the height of their summer, it’s no wonder why I struggled to acclimatise to a dark, wet and chaotic city like London in the middle of winter. Not to mention, getting used to barking dogs and the go go go nature of my family home vs the uber chill ocean view apartment I had become accustom to in Sydney. However, I was determined to grasp hold of every pocket of positivity I could find. I’d like to share with you my findings.

For many of us, time is never really our ally. Too much of it, we get restless. Too little of it, we get anxious. But through meditation and a new found appreciation for how the other half (Aussies and kiwis) live, I’ve managed to keep a foot on the ground when I start to panic and think “I have too much time”, too much time?! Who the hell has too much time? I returned home at Christmas and enjoyed a nice couple of weeks catching up with family and friends that I hadn’t seen in a few months or even a year! Then January came along and everyone went back to work. I had picked up some coaching hours a great new CrossFit gym, who welcomed me with open arms. I had 10 hours of coaching to do each week, great! Now what do I do with the other 158? School doesn’t start until Feb 1st! And what’s more? I came back from Oz with a bank balance that looked about attractive as a bulldog chewing a wasp. Luckily, my parents were happy to have me stay and I could help myself to food in the fridge and I had a roof over my head, essentials covered. However, it didn’t take long for me start thinking about the lifestyle I had in Sydney and how I could make something similar work here the if I put my mind to it. In particular, I wanted my own place and make sure that I made time for outdoor sports, because that’s what I truly love!

I started to feel frustrated, I longed for my independence, I knew what I wanted but I just couldn’t have it. I’m sure many people have felt this before. My mind got busy “I need to earn more money, I need to get out of home, I need to save money for a ski trip, I need to buy a new bike” and before you know it I was caught up in a big messy ball of stress. I could feel myself getting carried away with the rat race; rushing for trains, making irrational food choices, making excuses in the gym (to myself), failing to keep arrangements with friends, staying up too late looking at a white screen etc.

I was trying to use the same stuff I’ve used before: social support, meditation, healthy exercise and nutrition routine and prioritising sleep. However, I found it hard to remember to use these tools as my intuition was disrupted by the pace of life I had acquired. I was giving myself far too much to do. “Do less, better”, I wrote this on my weekly plan board in room at the start of January as a sort of quote of the week, I hadn’t read it anywhere, it just came to me. Yet, I had failed to remember this quote as I attempted to acclimatise to life back home despite my dads best efforts to remind me of the type of person I was when I returned at Christmas.

It was time to go back to the drawing board. My rock solid social support network of friends and family helped me put everything into perspective; reminding me that my main priority is my studies at this point, I had a job which I enjoyed and allowed me ample time to study, a roof over my head and possibly the best part time job in the world which allows me to travel frequently and meet great new people. What more could I want, at this stage? (Maybe ski trip but…)

We’re always going to want more if it’s available. Remind yourself what is MOST important to you right now, then build the rest of your life around it. Do what makes you feel warm and fuzzy, let everything else follow.

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I’ve recently come to notice that the concept of threshold training is somewhat unheard of within many CrossFit gyms. Which absolutely blows my mind as I remember this being one of the most profound “take aways” from my CrossFit Level 1 course 6 years ago.

Within CrossFit workouts, threshold speed is where you are managing intensity vs technique. This is synonymous with a military shooting test, where one must fire a number of shots as fast as possible whilst being as accurate as possible. Perhaps, my military background helped me understand this concept and implement it in my training immediately. Or what’s more likely, because I enjoyed fast reckless sports as a kid and constantly fell of my bike, skis, roller blades, skateboard or my uncle’s Vespa because I was going too fast. However, since then I still enjoy all those last activities (minus the roller blades, so 90’s!), because I learnt to manage my threshold speed.

Having worked in CrossFit gyms for a while now, I have learnt to coach people through threshold training with a charter or a means of progression that we teach to participants on the CrossFit Level 1 course; MCI. MCI stands for mechanics, consistency, intensity. Any fitness enthusiast should take ownership of their own training and should therefore keep this charter in mind when training. Coaches will, or at least should, know this charter like the back of their hand.

Mechanics; showing good understanding, control and confidence in whatever movement you are performing. Consistency; performing a movement for repetitions without guidance from a coach and without too(ooo) much thought. Then and only then should you add intensity; adding weight, speed or duration to that movement. Which is what you should work towards as that’s where the results lie. However, you have to earn the right to go heavy, fast or complex by performing basic movements proficiently.

Within the gym environment and especially within a CrossFit workout when your heart rate is through the roof, the music is blaring and the guy (or girl) next to you is moving at ‘Mach 10’, it’s difficult to know when your technique is faltering and you are moving less efficiently or worse, dangerously. I use one word to act as a cognitive stabiliser; Control. Simply ask yourself if you are in control of what you are doing.

If the answer is no; slow down, take a breather if you need it (we could all do with breathing a bit more anyway), think about the movement again then perform it a best a you can because at this stage in the WOD what you think is perfect, really isn’t. If that doesn’t work, think about reducing the load or reducing the amount of reps then finally the range of motion, afterall we want to move through a full range of motion wherever possible.

On the flip side! If you care too much for your technique and do not lift the weight that you are capable of doing, do not move it as fast or carry it as far, you will not experience world class fitness.

Now go hard, do so safely and ideally efficiently so that you can do even more work, faster and heavier!

Until next time!

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An easy situation to notice if you are paying attention to what you are doing is when you read a book and realise at the end of the page, you have no idea where you were for the last few minutes but you most certainly have no idea what’s going on in the book, then you have to go from the top and read the page all over again.

Although I meditate each and every morning, I still find it incredibly difficult to keep my attention on my breathe. Maybe it’s because I’m only just starting to get used to paying attention to it although I’ve been breathing my entire life.

I don’t know about you, but I find it easier and more appealing to pay attention to music than my breathe when times get rough, especially for longer periods of time. When I was in the military, during long yomps I would often sing a song in my head over and over to keep my mind busy. I watched “touching the void” (excellent film by the way, if you haven’t seen it or read it, do) a few weeks ago. I hadn’t seen it in years and I forgot how long it took Joe Simpson to get back to base camp after the incident with no food or water. He was severely dehydrated, starving, delirious; almost certainly about to die. Hours before he made it back to base camp, a song slipped into he’s head and he couldn’t shake it out! It’s my opinion that he’s mind was desperately trying to keep busy in order to stay alive! He did.

In the past few weeks I’ve enjoyed listening to music and doing nothing else, I’ve found it to be a very effective mindfulness tool. However, where I have found it most effective. Is during workouts, specifically when you get to that point where your positive self talk is wearing thin or when you’re about to jump out of the comfort zone; at the start of an intense workout when you get uncomfortably warm and know it’s only going to get worse. I found that drawing my attention to an external stimulus which had no relation to how I was feeling at that current time, unlike you’re breathing, really does help you to stay present and not allow any doubts to slip into your mind.

I used to be a huge advocate for training in silence or not worrying about what music is playing whilst working out, in order to get in the zone and coach myself through it, developing some mental toughness in the process. And whilst there is absolutely a time and place for that, since taking a heavier cognitive load with my studies, I’ve found I do not have so much enthusiasm to train and therefore welcome any tool which distracts me from those nasty negative words that float around your head like “can’t” and allow you to keep moving.

Now, when it comes to what type of music, well that’s completely up to you! Whatever makes you feel warm and fuzzy. I personally like to work out to music which reflects the type of workout I’m doing and the level of intensity I’m about to experience. With short, hard and fast, heavily anaerobic workouts it needs to be played pre-WOD and it needs to fire me up, cue the ACCAHDACCAH! If it’s anything else that requires me to keep a cool head like a more aerobic workout or something really technical, where I just have to maintain a pace; I like to listen to soft rock like audio slave and the red hot chilli peppers or old skool rap like tribe called quest, although flavor of the month is some super cool French rap!

What music do you like to workout to? Whatever type it is, when you feel like you can’t go on but deep down know you can, quickly draw your attention to the music you’re listening to, calm the ‘F’ down and enjoy the workout. This doesn’t just go for training but for day to day life and stressful situations too. If you can do this with your breathing, awesome, you’re at the next step! We’ll talk about that another time.

Happy listening!

As always, please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

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Since, writing the last post I have been doing more cycling now that we are coming into season and I noticed something quite ironic almost immediately. Often, when I go out for long runs I prefer not to listen to music so I can just let my mind wonder, not to mention when headphone wires catch on your fingers as you swing your arms, it’s really bloody annoying. I found the same to be the case when I cycle, obviously not due to the arm swinging. Even on shorter, more intense efforts, I find myself listening out for my internal coach’s voice “keep going, keep going”, and as a result, the music becomes a distraction.

In four weeks time, I will be taking on my third L’etape du tour. A stage of the Tour de France for amateurs, notorious for being one of the key stages of that year’s Tour de France, often hard mountain stages in the Alps or Pyrenees. On these rides, the climbs can last up to an hour, maybe longer. Riding on a gradient of 10℅ for 10km perhaps. Now can you imagine someone, saying “keep going, keep going” the entire time? It would get a little boring and potentially irritating after a while, potentially causing stress levels to increase even further.

During a hill session the other day, I told myself to concentrate on keeping my breathing under control whilst grinding up the hill in my second to highest gear (you gotta save that magic ring for a rainy day!) It worked, in controlling my breathing, I was able to stay calm as well as supply my body with more oxygen and maintain a decent pace on the climb. Who new?

So, if you’re at the stage where you can focus on your breathing in a controlled environment, try applying this practice in adverse environments like when you are hanging out of your butt during a training session; halfway up a climb with disco leg or when you find yourself in a “heated debate” with your partner, for that matter.

Until next time, keep searching.

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Without going into too much detail, since I was 16 I’ve bounced from relationship to relationship. So after some harsh truths and criticisms from outsiders, over the last year or so I’ve made it my mission to prove to myself that I don’t need anyone else and I can thrive under my own steam. One of the things I learned I had to do was ask myself “What do I want?”. This was a good start but something was missing which would lead me towards making better decisions. I’ve only recently realised the next question I could be asking myself is “why?”.

Asking the question “why?”, offered me the opportunity to stop and ensure I’m doing something for the right reasons, and not because my desires and ego are telling me to go for it! I’m learning more and more that it’s best to take everything they say with a pinch of salt. Understanding this has made a huge positive impact on my personal life and is continuing to do so. However, in no way am I claiming to have it all figured out!

Dad recently learned the hard way, that positive self talk is more effective, if you want to get to the top of the mountain and smile about it.

Now, this is not meant to be some egotistical post about my personal life. What is most interesting is how this concept has filtered into my training, which may give you food for thought. An interesting observation I made, is how my performance changes when I ask myself “why” during training sessions. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been doing some long rides in France, Italy and Wales. I’ve spoken before about how cycling in the mountains provides a unique environment for you to find peace with yourself and what you’re doing. If you are angry at the start of a 20km climb, you are going to expend a hell of a lot more energy than you need to, battling the demons in your head and trying to motivate yourself at the same time. Whilst riding up some pretty epic climbs I found myself listening to two voices, one positive and encouraging, the other demanding and threatening. They both wanted me to succeed, very rarely did the voice of doubt pipe up. However, what I began to notice was how I felt when I listened to the positive voice compared to when I listened to the drill sergeant. I found that I was in fact working harder and enjoying the ride more because I wanted to push myself and not because I thought I should be pushing myself. However, this is a fine line because humans are lazy, so know when it’s time to haul ass!

Let go of self-expectation, trust your inherent drive to fulfill your potential and ensure you’re doing what you want to do for the right reason.

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A few days ago I put a snap shot of my journal entry on Instagram. I was writing about finally asking myself what the hell I was doing in Vietnam, and what the real purpose of my trip was. My creative writing had become more fluid over the past few weeks from writing every day about my comings and goings as well as my thought processes throughout the day. So when I had some time to reflect on my first couple of weeks away from home after working on a seminar in Beijing, it was no surprise that my journal entry that day started to stretch towards double the length of my regular entries, as I started to peel back the layers of the onion.
I found the responses to the Instagram post quite interesting, some really positive and supportive comments and also some personal advice. Now, I am not complaining about people putting their two pence worth in on an Instagram post, I knew there would be some feedback. But it did encourage me to think of alternative paths I may encounter on my journey, which I found to be quite an uncomfortable process considering my situation at the time. I was by myself in an environment with very few English speakers and by doctors orders, was unable to do anything strenuous. Back and forth I went for a few days between my head, my gut and my heart. I was trying to use what I had learned from the first couple of weeks of my trip and advice from my loved ones, to formulate some form of answer to “what is the purpose of this trip?”.
Ok, time for some context. If you have read my blog in the past or you know me personally, then you know that I started my young adult life in the military. Everyday had a schedule much like school, and although sometimes it didn’t seem like it, most activities had an aim and I had a role in achieving that aim as part of a team. This was particularly tangible on operations, as failing to fulfil your role as part of a team meant putting your oppos lives at risk. As I am sure many others will testify, experiencing this level of purpose at a young age, is something you are unlikely to forget. Similar to other lessons you learn from growing up in the military such as the importance of integrity, selflessness and determination, you are forever accountable to these values. Whether other people think you are or not—YOU KNOW!

After leaving the military in 2010, I found a role almost immediately as part of a gym floor team in a swanky gym in Kensington. I had to deliver a certain number of training sessions each week, to a certain standard and keep the gym clean. My ability to do these tasks meant that I would be rewarded with more pay, better team dynamic and a more enjoyable working environment. I felt I had a purpose. However, this started to change when I went freelance, I just didn’t know it at the time.

Now I had no team, nobody relying on me to fulfil my role, my inability to do my job only affected me, and my clients obviously! It didn’t take long for me to realise that I could deal with the odd bump in the road, but the problem became more apparent when that bump soon became a mole hill and then a bloody big metaphorical mountain. I started to move the goal posts, always asking more of myself before having achieved the previous task, living up to my own expectations. Was I putting myself under more pressure to feel a greater sense of purpose? I felt unsettled and I wasn’t enjoying my job any more as I didn’t know what good it was doing anyone. “Why am I here training these people? Does that person really NEED my help or do they just WANT it?” I needed more needs in my life, I realised I still felt the need to serve. To me that was the only worthwhile occupation to have: to be of service to others as part of a larger cause. Personal training healthy, wealthy clients in west London was not cutting the mustard. Although they were great people, I couldn’t justify to myself why I was charging money for what I thought was a luxury service to my clients, not a necessary one.

So I decided to base myself out of East London, in a humble CrossFit gym where young professionals were parting with a significant percentage of their monthly income to better themselves and I found huge value in this. But as time went on and the more I read and listened to mentors in my world of health and fitness. I began to realise that the rabbit hole went a little deeper than I originally thought. Once again, I felt without purpose, but this time it was because I felt ill-equipped to accomplish the task and therefore could not be an effective member of the team.

I realised that many of the reasons surrounding people’s motivation for training were based around their psychology. I hadn’t noticed, but all this time I had been personal training, I had also been acting as a counsellor to many of my clients. My initial reaction to this realisation was to jump ship entirely and embark on a career in school teaching, as I thought this would be a great opportunity to serve the community and positively influence children in terms of their understanding of health, so that by the time they became adults they wouldn’t need a personal trainer. Pretty sound reasoning I thought, so I enrolled in a degree programme and decided to major in psychology and planned to complete a teaching course afterwards. Purpose, found it again! Or so I thought.

Midway through my course I began to get some perspective on how deep the rabbit hole actually went and found myself overwhelmed by how complex the mind really is and found myself feeling like I needed to do something in this field, now that I could see how to equip myself for the task. Continuing my work in the gym, I could see many of the psychological issues I was studying right in front of me, and in the mirror, on a daily basis. However, I wouldn’t be much good in this field if I didn’t finish my degree, so I put my focus there. All the while still mapping out what my future might look like and how I could serve people using my new-found knowledge.

My “soft plan” was in constant flux and throughout the final year and a half of my degree, I realised that I was not being a reliable team member and became almost completely egocentric in my thinking and actions. I was solely thinking about what my role WOULD be, desperately trying to find a foot hold in my future instead of being present and fulfilling my role as a team member, son, brother and friend. The worst thing was that I was aware of doing it: constantly letting people down, not being there for people, saying sorry more times than I care to remember.

After finishing my course, I felt an immense sense of freedom. Perhaps greater than what I felt leaving the military. I knew that that this was an opportunity to take stock of my situation and get myself organised. In London, I found myself being pulled in every direction in terms of career prospects, relationships and my own personal interests and hobbies — I wanted to do everything and now! I felt more unsettled and alone than ever before, which was strange considering it was my home town and I had my family and friends close by. I felt like I needed to give myself time to let the dust settle, move away from distractions and influences, and perhaps most importantly away from anyone that I might potentially hurt in the process of me trying to find my purpose.

When I left the UK this time around, something felt different. There was no agenda, I had no return ticket booked and had only last month’s pay check to see me through. I was pretty bloody scared, I had no idea what I was getting myself into and worse, I had no idea why I was doing it; I just knew that I needed to do it. During the first couple of weeks in Hanoi, I tried to be as open as I could by meeting new people, trying new foods and saying yes to more things than I dare to mention. I learned an awful lot in those first couple of weeks about how things work in Hanoi. The cogs started turning. I started to think about how I was going to spend my time here and how long I might stay here for. But I still had no idea what this was all about, I felt like I was in a similar vortex to when I was in London trying to find a needle in a haystack of needles.

It wasn’t until I found myself in a situation where I was completely alone with my own thoughts for an uncomfortable period of time, without distractions or influences, that the dust began to settle and I could see the path that lay ahead more clearly. I believe my daily meditation practice, which quickly became twice a day, really helped me keep my thoughts in check and offer my mind the opportunity to be clear enough for the answer to present itself. I don’t know my ultimate purpose yet and probably won’t until I am fulfilling it, but I do know that when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I will be 100% there and ready to serve. What seemed to be a negative situation at the time actually allowed me to gain some perspective, as is usually the way, allowing me to better understand the purpose of my trip. That is my present task, and for now that’s all I need to motivate me to get up in the morning and rule the day!

So, if you are in a position where you really feel unsettled and unable to make a decision about your next step, try taking yourself away from that environment, away from external influences and distractions. Be with yourself, meditate and let your thoughts settle with time.

Thanks for reading! As always please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.
Keep being awesome